I am never hungry

So I never feel hungry. I have been on liquids for 3 weeks 2 pre op 1 post. I got behind on my water the last few days so today I made myself drink a liter of water by sipping 5 times every time a commercial came n tv. Urine is not as dark and I feel a bit better. Also I got my broth from a progreso soup minus the veggies and meat it was so much better then the crappy Swanson broths I have been eating. I made a unjury shake earlier with chocolate and strawberry flavor drank half and need to get the other half in tonight.
I really want to move onto mushy but I am supposed to wait til Tuesday. I am healing well I think although I occasionally get a deep twinge on my left side. The baby was crying hysterically and I Had to pick him up. that really hurt my left side. He is way over 10 lbs. took a pain pill and feel ok now.
I have no way to weigh myself here at home but I feel smaller.

Home post op

Hi everyone I am home. Passing gas up and down so that's good. I get up and do 5 laps around the apartment. Taking my pain meds. Belly is quite sore, but I still have my q pump so the burn is not to bad. The SI joint thing went away what a relief that added so much pain to my experience completely unrelated to my surgery lol. My doc gave me tordol an NSAID . I questioned him but he reassured me a short course would be ok and I jumped at it. I think it worked hope it hold that SI joint.
Buttttttttttttttttt
I went into atrial fib last nite so walking is a bit more tiring and I think it makes me pee very frequently cuz it runs more fluid through the kidneys and a faster rate then normal so I have been up every two hours to the br all night ick!
I have to take my Bp medicine crushed and it tastes gross but you got to do what you got to do.

Post op

I had surgery at 815 this morning , it lasted almost three hours. When I woke  up I had major pain but no severe nausea. They medicated me til my pain was about a 6 and transferred me to my room. The wonderful nurses did a thorough exam which entailed a bit more movement then was comfortable. Their attitude was the best medicine encouraging, caring, and skilled: awesome! I used my pcs button and got my pain to 2/10, rested, and most important of all BURPED. Gas release is crucial after laparoscopic procedures. I got up and walked before 4 pm it wasn't to bad at all and I knew I had to do it, then I sat up in a chair for30 min. Took a nap and feel pretty damn good all in all.

A few details: my dr saying in the or before I went out " can we get a warm blankie, where are the warm blankies" the ice packs to my low back, my wonderful supportive son by my side before and after, and mouth swabs!

Letter to myself night before surgery

Dear Rachael,
   No matter how hard it gets remember why you are doing this.
To be able
To get healthy
To travel
To be there for your grandkids
To be there for your kids

Yes it will be hard but you can do it. You tried for over 50 years to lose the wt yourself and this is your chance to really get it done. Use the tool to change your habits. Focus on goals, exercising , and eating to live. It will not be easy but you have survived this long and faced many obstacles and emerged victorious. Your family loves you and wants you to succeed. They want a mom, sister, grandmother that can be with them a long time and go places with them. You can be that person.

Drama drama drama

I am a drama queen
Hopefully it's like a play and I am getting all the complications done in rehearsal instead of opening night.
After my IVC filter I developed a raging pain in the top of my thigh and my right butt cheek. It actually started before they did the filter on the table. I called the doc from CVIR he said it could not be from the filter. I called my chiropractor and when I got there my hip Was completely out my right foot was literally 2 inches shorter. He put ice on it for a few  then adjusted me but when i got home I could not get Comfortable unless I laid on my stomach ( haven't done that since I was 8). Been putting ice packs on it all day trying to rest fair condition right now. Also my damn drs office called me Friday to tell me I needed to drive all the way to their office (45 min in good traffic) to be weighed Monday. I was like I am working 9-5 monday I just weighed myself thursday at the pcps and I was reduced to 428 net reduction 20 lbs since I started low carb and optifast. They finally agreed to let me weigh at my pcps office Monday and call them.
The wt loss will be no problem as I can't eat at all today, I have 3/4ths of a protein shake which was made with 1. Optifast shake 1 1/2 scoop unjury protein powder plus ice.

Just as I feared

(this paragraph was posted a month ago)

Then there is my MRSA which is meth resistant staph aureous. This infection used to be named a nosocomial or hospital acquired infection but they changed it to MRSA and now it seems to be treated like leprosy. You are labelled for life and isolated whenever you are in the hospital. Which means i get a private room which works for me but it irritates me that I am treated like a leper and the hospital the freaking source of the microorganism is absolved of all blame or responsibility.

(wrote this today)

I got bad news yesterday. My nasal swab was positive for mrsa. MRSA is a nosocomial infection which means its hospital acquired and the organism is resistant to treatment. As a nurse for almost thirty years I guess it's inevitable to be colonized but it's devastating to be told your surgery may be delayed because they have to do you last so they can decontaminate, you will be unable to be on the bariatric floor but will be placed on a floor on isolation, and have to get an infectious disease clearance.

I did not take the news well I got very upset on the phone asking why i can not be on the bariatric floor that i have heard such good things about? Isolation is isolation. I will have a private room they are all private on the bariatric floor. she started off with you may have to be in ICU I could understand if they wanted to watch me closely but to be put on a medical floor its odd. I just do not get it.

So I made an appointment with a doc for Monday and I am starting some antibiotics that have from my last infection, I am going to bath in hibicleanse everyday and may do a nasal lavage with it . I feel desperate!

Less then 2 weeks to go

Today I went to bluepoint for my dietician and doctor appointment. I have had my issues with some people at the office and today was no different. I think they just plain do not like me. Not everyone but at least two are cold curt and borderline insulting. I am an advocate for my own health care (what nurse isnt) and I ask questions. i do not know if this can be resolved but I am nOot taking it sitting down. When they ask me how it is going I say fine except the way certain people treat me. If I get the chance I will write them a  evaluation that is truthful. I do not think I am unreasonable but maybe i am. either way BE NICE it wont kill you and it goes a long way when dealing with people having a major life changing surgery sheeesh.
Ok so I am excited and nervous but not to bad yet. I am in day three of my two week optifast (adjust by me of course) diet. I had reduced 12 lbs per my PCP's scale then the bluepoint scale said i gained back 5 lbs. At that time i was doing less then 2000 calories a day low carb no cheating. I was like F this and had a candy bar. What is the point of being good and still gain. Not a good attitude I know. I admit the candy did not taste as good as I thought it would and I got back on track pretty quickly. my FINAL meal pre op was sunday night. I went out with the family to my old favorite italian restraunt and had pasta spinach soup and lovely italian bread and desert but i forgot about the brownies i had at home and didnt have one. I made my son take them the next day once I started my optifast diet. I was proud of myself for not eating those!
Today my wt at bluepoint was back to the 12 lbs reduced but the scale fluctuated to a 2 lb gain (I guess I was not being still) I about freaked out. The girl weighing me was a bit unfriendly but I think she was feeling unwell (cough or cold).
Then there is the MRSA issue. I have been concerned that I will have an active site near my surgery date and maybe get a systemic infection even though the worst one I had (left leg) that required 5 days hospitalization never cultured positive in my blood. I mentioned it to my doctor he was not concerned since I have nothing active right now. The nurse at the hospital said I must have a swab of nose and throat prior to my surgery. So I am working on that now.

Bucket list

I have many desires but I want a concise list to focus on in the coming months to rewire my brain and change my habits.

• Walk up and down steps " hands free"
• Go to Africa on a mission trip.- this one includes the fitting in an airplane seat and being able to walk at least 1 mile!
• Meet a man I can attract and be attracted to.
• LIVE LARGE - philosophically not physically

I think that's enough to focus on. I want to keep these four things in my mind when the going gets rough. Might even laminate the list.

found an interesting blog

I found this blog with lots of great info recipes and inspiration
she has a giveaway here is the link
Eggface Back to Bariatric Basics Giveaway
I blog on a few bariatric sites also so i will post this entry there to. More people see it there lol
this is what I am calling my lost weekend
I am having my last meals before I get back in my low carb lifestyle for LIFE
I start my pre op optifast diet for 2 weeks pre op on 9/10 I am altering it a bit for a few reasons
one I bought my optifast on eBay and 1 deal fell through
two I think its a bit much as some people do not have to do it at all
three I need it more then others due to my bmi and lack of real wt reduction pre op (I went crazy at first after I made my decision and gained wt)
four I think the carb count on the optifast is to high according to my docs instruction i should be eating 120 carbs a day thats a lot and I am diabetic it makes me uncomfortable
fifth as my psyc eval said I am a narcissist and I don't think things apply to me. My cues to look out for are YES BUT that certainly applies to this situation. here is my adjustment

Optifast Schedule
Day/date-September	shakes		soups	bars	Total meals
	optifast	unjury
Monday/10	2		2	2	6
Tuesday/11	1	1	2	2	6*
Wednesday/12	1	1	2	2	6*
Thursday/13	2		2	2	6
Friday/14	1	1	2	2	6*
Saturday/15	Coffee w/unjury	1	Low carb dinner
Sunday/16	Coffee w/unjury	1	Low carb dinner
Monday/17	2	1	1	1	5*
Tuesday/18	2	1	1	1	5*
Wednesday/19	2	1	1	1	5*
Thursday/20	2	1	1	1	5*
Friday/21	2	1	1	1	5*
Saturday/22	2	1	1	1	5*
Sunday/23	2	1	1	1	5*
Monday/24	Clear liquid diet NPO after midnight
Day of surgery

* = substituting 1 unjury shake for optifast

I cried today not sure why

So I was at work Wednesday the 29th, had a bitch at a Drs office kinda yell at me, and next thing I know I am crying. Back in my younger years as a new nurse I would cry whenever I had a confrontation. I hated that so much I trained myself not to cry. I haven't done that in many years so this was a shock. I think I am just in a fragile state. I have gotten alot done for my WLS here is my checklist

Pre op testing checklist

☒     Cardiac clearance redo

❏     Incentive spirometer “bag” from Kathy

❏     IVC filter placement scheduled IAH 9/21 w/CVIR

☒     Labs

☒     Chest xray

☒     Ekg

☒     Sleep study

☒     GI consult: colonoscopy& EGD

☒     Medical clearance

☒     Psychiatric consult

☒     Education program

❏     Nutrition and surgery pre op post op class@IFOH 9/20

☒     Behavior modification/compliance

☒     Nutrition counseling

❏     1:1 Coaching with RN-IFOH bariatric education

❏     Doctor and Dietician appointment scheduled 9/12

I got some reassurance from my cardiologist. I had an appointment friday morning and I went into Atrial fib the afternoon before (right after my 2 hour nutrition class at my baritric drs office) I was still in FIB when I went to the appointment. I have been very worried that my fib state would postpone my WLS. In discussing it with him we worked through many aspects of my condition. The new medicine has changed the episodes from completely debilitating:  I would be dizzy, short of breath with any exertion, and have a raging headache to functional: I do not have the headache, shortness of breath, or dizziness. I just can feel a little fluttery in the chest and I have limited energy. Thus I am able to go to work driving myself where as before I was laid up in bed. The Doc says the main thing is to maintain my anticoagulation and control the rate by doubling one of my meds while I am in FIB. I also will need to be off my anticoagulant prior to my IVC placement and pre op WLS. We will bridge that time with lovenox (a shot that anti coagulates you). So now I have a plan.

Unfortunately it is now saturday and I am still in FIB. YUCK! Just wish I would convert already.

In the hospital finally converted and

My cardiologist stopped my sotolol yesterday and admitted me to the hospital today. I converted to sinus rhythm at 5 pm. So I feel much better. Hope this new medicine stabilizes my heart for surgery. I am ready to take this step and make a new me for the rest of my life. I want to be active and vibrant.

Ok that was Friday the 17th it is now the 23rd I got out of the hospital Monday and I went right to work. Started working out yesterday with my resistance bands felt good about that and then went to my first support group meeting. Got home had an unjury shake for dinner and then boom went into fib. It is different slower no head ache but still way wack. So I went to work feel ok can't walk far but I am trying to ignore it til it goes away. Oh and my damn tire has a slow leak so I had to put air in it before work too.
Yesterday I took a whole list of questions and wrote em up and called my cardiologist and bypass docs office . Got some answers still a lot to figure out. Here they are:

Ok so I am a nurse(almost 30 years now) I am most likely a PIA(pain in the a$$) to all my doctors because I "guide" my care and treatment, ask a lot of questions, and question their answers with a lot of data and research. The list below is the q&a for my RNY surgery 9/25/12. bluepoint is my gastric bypass doctors group, I have a cardiologist and a PCP or primary care physician, and a cardic surgeon to place my IVC filter.

Doctor questions

Bluepoint doctor questions
Q: Pain control post op for arthritis Meds that can be liquid or crushed?
***no NSAID's****
A:
Q:Is there a bowel prep diet pre op
A: no
Q: Expected length of stay in hospital
A: 2 days
Cardiology and PCP questions:
Q: What are my needed meds post op?
Tikosyn per cardiologist- can it be opened and added to liquid to take?
Kdur – will be on k added fluids in hospital and monitored
Magnesium
? Actos glipizide will be off these after surgery and on a sliding scale insulin. Recommended sugar control pre op suggested sliding scale insulin now (ask my pcp to write for the insulin)
Q: Lovenox? Since I need to be off 5 days pre IVC placement and 4 days pre RNY surgery are we concerned about stroke risk? I am! Also optifast will it affect my Afib or electrolyte balance ? Bluepoint wants cardiologist to adjust my cardiac meds on optifast if needed.
A

IVC filter DOCTOR q's (cardiac surgeon)
Q: Stop Coumadin prior to insertion when?
A: 5 days prior
Q:When and where procedure done A: Fairfax or fairoaks
Q:Anesthesia used propofol?
A:General
Q: IS MAC/PROPOFOL an option
A:
Q: Do they (IVC placement doctor) need clearance from cardiology and PCP prior to IVC placement A:no

What a day

I am still in AFib feel like my head will explode and I am dizzy and weak. Can I cry now? When will this stop? I have a cardiology appointment tomorrow morning. Will be discussing changing my meds this weekend which will entail being hospitalized :( this situation has made my desire to have WLS even more imperative. I want to have the ablation procedure to cure the AFib. They will not perform t on a morbidly obeses patient. So I must lose the weight first. I sure as hell hope my heart behaves for surgery! 

More a fib sighhhh and thoughts about time off work

I am wondering about how much time off i will need to take post op. I was hoping to get back to work in 2 weeks because I dont have alot of pto. I have to use one week of pto paid time off( they lump vacation and sick time together) then I can use short term disability , which is 2/3 of my pay. I was really hoping to get back to work in 2 weeks but I think now I should plan for more like 3-6 weeks. I first didn't think about std just thought I would use pto but I don't  even have enough. I live with my son and daughter in law so we share expenses and I will have help both physically and financially.  I am hoping 66% of my pay will be enough for a month or so. I can supplement with my pto but I just don't have much and as I am writing this I am home sick because my darn heart is acting up (atrial fib) I have had it since 2004 but has historically been infrequent til 9 days ago. I have now had 3 episodes. 2 lasted 24 hr each still in this one Been over 12 hours. I might need my meds changed which requires hospitalization and cardiac monitoring sighhhh . I had planned to visit my 19 y/o daughter this w/e and have reserved a room at a hotel. Now I might have to be in the hospital sheesh. Can I get a break here

Atrial fib wtf plus mrsa

Ok since 2004 I have had intermittent bouts with atrial fib. My heart is rapid irregular and weak.  It makes my head hurt and I can't exert myself at all. I used to go to the ER and they would try medication , it never worked, then they would admit me, monitor me and schedule a cardio version. I would always convert to normal sinus rhythm before the cardioversion. I got sick of going to the ER so I now live in a anticoagulated state on Coumadin and have short acting antiarrythmic medication that I take every four hours until I convert. There is a surgical option but my wt precludes the surgery.
 In light of my scheduled wls I am thinking about this on two levels
one that I will have an episode before during or after surgery and
two that achieving wt loss will allow me to have  the surgery to put a stop to theses debilitating episodes.
 Unfortunately in the past week I have had the first episode in over a year lasting over 24 hours and then another episode also lasting 24 hours. So my concern about it interfering with my wls is very real. Also I had to use 12 hours of paid time off on friday and I need every hour for my time off for surgery.

Then there is my MRSA which is meth resistant staph aureous. This infection used to be named a nosocomial or hospital acquired infection but they changed it to MRSA and now it seems to be treated like leprosy. You are labelled for life and isolated whenever you are in the hospital. Which means i get a private room which works for me but it irritates me that I am treated like a leper and the hospital the freaking source of the microorganism is absolved of all blame or responsibility.

I feel like Michael phelps

I am hopefully experiencing the LAST of a number of things:

The last time I come to the beach on vacation and have fear of being able to get out of the ocean

The last time I slow the family down 

The last time I am unable to help chase the baby down especially because we will soon have two babies in  the house :) 

Painful yet inspiring thoughts

I live in Washington DC, city living is not designed for obese people. Parking is a bear! I hate it but when I get a good spot it does make my day lol. That's another thing I will enjoy: not worrying if I have to park far because the walking won't be painful! A painful situation happened to me last year. I am a nurse and I have worked in labor and delivery for 18 years, it is my calling. last year I moved back here from TN and tried to do a travel assignment but was not mobile enough and they fired me. It was horribly painful physically trying to keep up and emotionally when I failed. I got a Full time night shift job at the hospital I had worked in before I moved to TN in 2007. Nights was hard and my ability to be fast enough came up after 6 months during a time I had become infected with MRSA. I was put on leave, paid fortunately, due to the infection. then I got THE call from my boss and human resources questioning my physical ability to perform my job. They kept me on paid leave while they decided what to do with me eventually sending me to a desk job 9-5 in PST pre surgical testing. There I call patients before surgery to obtain a history and advise them on medications and directions to the unit. I really like the hours and the people are very nice. But I feel like a failure. In the end it is the best thing for me right now. I really answer to no one as I am still on L&d's Payroll so I can go to doc appts and take vacation whenever I need. Also It's really nice to be on days. I hated nights especially where I live. Because I was going with major traffic both directions which sucked after working a 12 hour night shift. So all in all this Job is helping me to attain my goal to have the RNY surgery and achieve my wt loss. Things do work out the way they are supposed to. That's my story and I am sticking to it lol!
PS It occurs to me that I need to lose not only a full person (in body wt) but indeed to lose A FAT person. Which philosophically speaking is just what I need to do LOSE a FAT person physically and mentally.

Well it's working

Things are coming together I lost 8 lbs with step one (basically watching what I eat data entering it in to myfitnesspal thus curbing some of my  tendencies to snack and over eat). I have made most of my appointments: with the cardiovascular surgeon for my IVC filter, my PST appointment, my medical clearence , my hospital class, and I arranged for the pre op testing  to be done at my hospital. I am feeling calm and confident about my decision and future. Oops forgot I bought the complete 3 week optifast diet supplies on eBay and saved almost 100 dollars.

I lost 8 lbs

Since I started data entry I lost 8 lbs according to the scale in my drs office

My Comorbidities : conditions and meds

AGE: 51  WT: 448   HT 5 7   BMI 70   MOTHER of 3 GRANDMOTHER of 1    RN

HYPERTENSION/ ATRIAL FIBRILLATION diagnosed with bp 2002 atrial fib 2004
MEDICATIONS: Sotalol - antiarrhythmic and BP Diltiazem - as needed during episodes of afib (so I don't have to go to the hospital) Coumadin - anticoagulant to prevent clots during episodes of afib (again so I don't have to go to the ER and get lovenox) HCTZ - diuretic for BP KDUR - potassium supplement/ Magnesium supplement -  from diuretic use if my potassium or magnesium gets low I have additional arrhythmias , also Fish Oil (stopped baby asa daily per my cardiologist this year)

 DIABETES TYPE 2 diagnosed October 2005
MEDICATIONS: Actos and Glipizide plus cinnamon supplement

ARTHRITIS/ BACK, KNEES, AND SHOULDER pain diagnosed 1991
MEDICATIONS:  Motrin 800mg twice a day, Percocet (oxycodone) 5-10mg daily at night, Tramadol as needed for pain, and Benadryl w/percocet (because percocet makes me a little itchy)

SLEEP APNEA- Use CPAP machine nightly rated as severe setting 14

My plan to lose wt pre op

My plan to lose wt pre op

Step 1 Data entry everything I eat being brutally honest and writing down EVERYTHING Using myfitnesspal Time limit: August 14,2012

Step 2 will be to eliminate the sweets and keep track and decrease carbs. Time limit 8/14-21

Step 3 low carb no sweets 8/14-9/4 Step three if I haven't lost at least 25 lbs by sept 4th do an extra week of optifast. Time limit: if needed start 9/4

Step 4 optifast 2 weeks prior to surgery. Time limit 9/11-24

Step 5 surgery! 9/25/12

I am 51

I gave myself to age 50 to lose the wt on my own and I failed major I have become so big I am almost crippled. So the decision is made the date is set and I am getting the gastric bypass. I wish it were sooner then September 25th but I have a little time to get some wt off ha ha ha. I know my doctor wants me to lose 35-40 lbs before surgery but if I could do that why would  I need surgery? I am going to try and at least do the optifast for an extra week(they require 2 weeks prior to surgery).
What I am doing now is using my fitness pal to enter my daily intake , it is helping me to snack less and become aware of my snacking patterns, emotional eating, and types of food I eat. Since it was my birthday I did have chocolate cake and ice cream but I did eat smaller portions of my bday dinner and my slice of cake was also smaller then I usually would take. Today I am not having any cake but I did have a small ice cream bar. I plan to focus on my "diet" in a few weeks. I am also using online support groups to ask questions and get encouragement from others photos and stories. I will need to make a counseling appointment and start going to the support group on weds nights.

Emotional day for me but I have a surgery date

Today started off well traffic wasn't to bad since my fiasco last week (see previous post) I "knew" my appointment was at 930am I got there at 915 went to the bathroom first signed in at 930 and sat until called when I di my day went down hill fast. The very nice scheduler said my appointment was at 900 am and the nutritionist had a 930 already. She said she was confused about which visit this was for me since she was on maternity leave when I started and my 3 month program was not set up right. I stood there and and started saying but I was here Friday and she told me my appointment was for 930. Then I did something I haven't done in literally years I burst into tears. The sweet receptionist took me into a private room and straighten out my "program" the scheduler Pam set up my surgery appointment , I got to see not only the nutritionist but the nurse practitioner for my " second" appointment ( the pre op exam and review). While the end result is I have my date I got some questions answered and reassurance from the staff I cried a lot and melted down completely which for me is not a comfortable feeling. When I was a new RN I cried when faced with any confrontation and I hated it. I trained my self not to cry in front of people of authority and to stand up for myself. I became a strong voice in my career so this breakdown brings back bad memories of a weaker self. I felt better when I left went to work and remained a little fragile all day. I cried a few times ( in private) but I made it through the day. I work tmr but have the rest of the week off for my birthday.
Oh I forgot I freaking gained 2 lbs so they are pressuring me big time to lose 45 lbs before surgery.
I have started my fitness pal and data entering all I eat it is working to curb my binging as I don't like entering to much lol I am being brutally honest and entering everything I eat. My plan is to begin low carb in earnest Monday kind of a modified Atkins because that the only diet I have ever tried that helps me resist sweets and that I feel strong and healthy while I do it.

Here is my ticker
Hope it works

Sheeeeeeesh should I have my surgery with these people?

I need to express concern and frustration. I rescheduled an appointment a month ago but I misplaced my organizer so I put the new appointment into my phone then added it later to my organizer. Only I forgot to cross out the original appointment scheduled today Friday the 20th. I tried to call the office before I went at 851am but the phone rolled over To the message : office hours are 9-5. So I go and the receptionist says I indeed do Not have an appointment. I mention I tried to call. She says" oh no I opened the phones at 830". I looked at my phone it shows I made the call at 851am she says "no no no the phone was ringing and being answered then". Ok wtf is the point of saying that to me? It came off so rude and she did it over and over. I left disgruntled not because I wasted my time but because of her attitude. This is making me nervous about the office staff. It's not the first time I have had an issue. When trying to schedule my counseling appointments which I have to pay out of pocket for the receptionist interrupted our scheduling to say she had to do something else and someone else would have to help me. She then answered the phone and scheduled someone else. I got upset because it was complicated confusing and she dumps me for another call. I walked out.
This process is anxiety producing enough with out this crap from the staff. I thought everyone would be more encouraging and supportive and not nasty and confrontational. I might mention that I was not blaming them in anyway for the issue today that was all me. simply why in the world did she keep negating or denying that I had got their machine that morning. Seriously sigh

Pre surgery thoughts

I find out my surgery date next week. Today I hurt my leg walking into work. I did not fall I was just walking and my right calf pulled or charley horsed maybe my Achilles tendon. Whatever it was it has crippled me worse then I have been ever! I so did not need another obstacle to exercising sigh. I am ready to do this.
I have a lot of questions about the surgery itself
How long will I be in the hospital?
How much recovery time will I need before I can return to work?
How my much pain will there be?
How will my body feel inside?
Will I have control of my bowels and will I vomit a lot?
I think I will visit the blue point website and attend a support group this week.
I must get ready to get ready

SECOND INSTALLEMENT

Today I am thinking about why I decided to have the surgery. I have become increasingly UNABLE. I can not: walk up stairs, walk any distance comfortably, fly comfortably, ride a bike, get up from a sitting position with anything like ease, and take care of myself alone. I have a laundry list of things I want to be able to do a BUCKET list if you will.
Chase my grandson
walk up or down stairs without a rail
fly to Africa on a mission
ride a bike
take a hike
buy a small car and fit in it
ride a motorcycle
Meet someone and be attractive enough to attract them

I sometimes want to do a skit like Jeff Foxworthy (not that its very funny)
YOU MIGHT BE MORBIDLY OBESE IF
you can't wipe yourself without hurting your wrist
you can't climb a stair without a reinforced rail
get up out of a low couch without assistance
well you get the idea i have a million and they all make me want to cry
life as a fat person in America is not much fun .....the ridicule is one thing ......the discomfort of chairs that bind you is another...... and the comments people feel free to make is yet another.
Yes I am responsible for my situation I know that but it does not make me sub human or less valuable as a person. I know I have lost friends, one in particular that I relate to my weight and my inabilities. This makes me sad and mad.

And so it begins

My name is Rachael. I am a mother, a nurse, and a very fat person. I was given my first diet pill at age 10 by my mother... I couldn't take pills so I struggled to get the huge pill down. I don't know that I ever did or that it worked or if I even really needed it! I see pictures of my self and I am a bit chubby but not obese at all at that age. I remember being teased about being fat and large at an early age. I remember carving the word fat into my arm at around 12 years old. I remember hating my body and thinking my life would be perfect if I weren't fat. Years flow by I am in high school I am 5 7 my wt a HUGE 155. In retrospect that isn't that tall or fat but at the time I felt unattractive. I had a period at age 16 were I had a lot of dates no sex but boys asked me out and told me I was pretty....... I did have big boobs and a full soft figure. I think I undervalued myself in some respects but was a fun, gregarious person. I met the man I eventually married he seemed to think I was attractive. We moved in together 2 years later. I did my first "successful" diet at age 20 . It was a liquid protein diet run by a doctor. My dad paid for it and I achieved my ideal weight of 130 lbs. I bought a tiny bikini short skirts and tight jeans. I went to community college for 2 years then nursing school. By the time a graduated in 1983 I had regained the wt I lost plus 30 or 40 lbs. I married at age 22 wt 170 ish ....continued to gain year after year hitting 270 when I got pregnant for the first time. I lost wt during the pregnancy but regained during breast feeding. Rinse and repeat x 2 more kids over 7 years. At age 33 I was 300 plus lbs but active and healthy. Years flow by my life hits a snag or two my husband developed into an alcoholic and we have marriatal problems. We spl nb bvcb. Vit for the first time when I was 38 wt 345 lbs 3 kids ages 12, 7, and 5.
Living as a single mom for a year was hard we got back together kind of to buy a nice house in VA and be a family. The difference was we kept separate rooms. I had become used to sleeping by myself reading if I wanted to and did not want to hear my husband snore or reek of alcohol.
I am tired that's the beginning of my history more soon.