Pain hope and info 4/2016

Well I have been thinking a lot lately. My life crashed again due to drinking, insomnia, sleep apnea, pain meds, and lack of insight. I am currently on disability from work due to the above plus I accidentally took my nighttime medication one morning and was impaired at work since it included Benadryl tramadol and Blood pressure meds all three make me very sleepy not a good way to start your day. while off work I got the flu for the first time in 15 years and it was horrible! Fever Aches chest congestion and laryngitis......for weeks. Meds for wheezing blocked my heart med causing uncontrollable atrial fib. I was visiting my Aunt in NJ and needed help to get home(I had taken the bus but was to sick to take it home). Because I felt so bad I hated to ask for help. Well to be honest I expect my family to want to help me and get my feelings hurt if they are reluctant to interrupt their lives for me. I vented in a notebook and will transcribe the entry not my best moment just sayin.
"Who is it ok for me to ask for help WHO?????
justin- NO
can't/won't/busy w/ own stuff! Depressed, can not handle weakness in ME. Needs me strong and independent plus he did his part taking me to meetings when I needed him to.
Brian and Juvy- busy with kids and their stuff. Molly- FAR, I don't want to burden her or any of my kids. In my hearts I WANT them to help me but they can't or won't so that's that

SO WHO DO I HAVE NO ONE, I am needy weak I don't deserve anything I AM SAD AND ANGRY SAD SAD SAD. My world seems small and desolate. I feel I have no person(peer/lover etc) that wants or needs me. I am in some way unattractive to to both females(friends) and males (friends or love interests). There is nothing about me that attracts a man or a friend. I will either DIE or be in a home.... The crabby old bitch in the corner.
I am not drinking, I don't even feel like it or taking the pain killers or muscle relaxers or tranquillizers.
I have no idea why I have no friends or why that stupid man dumped me with such disrespect. The years I spent so morbidly obese were my cushion and disguise and now what's the reason? I see fat ugly people with boyfriends and husbands....OH FUCK IT ALL!"
Well re typinging that is depressing wow drama queen much? Well whiny rant over let me move the F on sheesh.
I have been diligently working to get off disability even with many stumbling blocks like the medical system I work and utilize for my healthcare was hacked so all technology was down for a week. This impacted my ability to get my disability pay. I saw my cardiologist and endocrinologist and a counselor. Good news with heart and endo but counselor was having personal issues so I have to find another one. I have finally been able to make an internal medicine and pain doc appointment this week so I can get get cleared for work. Oh I forgot I had a sleep study and will be needing a new CPAP set up. I do like and tolerate the CPAP it helps so many aspects of my health. I stopped using it after the wt loss because the pressure was blowing up my pouch, but a greatly reduced pressure will solve that. So there is the pain hope and info.

Again Wow it's been a long time since I have posted. March 2016

These last two years have marked significant changes and events. Starting with my weight I guess. February 2014- 230lbs/ March 222lbs/ May 213/ October 197/ November 192. October 2015 188lbs/ November 179lbs/ December 186lbs/ Feb 2016 201lbs/ March 2016 219lbs TODAY 203lbs. Significant events: the death of my beloved Father September 2014. Developments since that event started a new job at GUH. Began drinking to much, continued taking pain killers and muscle relaxers for my knee and back pain. Had a severe reaction to the amiodarone given to me for my AFib
(pulmonary edema resulting in debilitating shortness of breath). Recovered from that. Settled into my job. Renovated my fathers apt including taking care of his work papers, replacing kitchen flooring and appliances (stove, fridge, and dishwasher), painting, replacing rugs, redo the toilet, refinished and restrung three chairs with Danish cord. I tried a dating site met a Man who pushed hard and fast then disappeared. I really wanted two things sex and a relationship. I got the first and it was great but he treated me poorly in direct contrast to his "profile" intentions. I did not ask for nor demand constant attention but working at getting to know a person requires some regular contact. I felt dumped but in fact I called him and broke it off because of his disrespectful treatment. Things in my family and my job and my habits all came to a head last month and I am making serious changes and personal evaluations. I feel strong and hopeful today and hope to keep up this blog better in future. That's all for now.

Wow it's been awhile update 1yr 4 months post op

I have not been here in quite a while.
My start wt 448
Surgery wt 419
1 st year anniversary wt 279
Current wt 242
226lbs gone fitting in 1x on top 2x on the bottom (from7-8xl)
My goals pre op were to be able to chase my grandson- check
Walk up stairs without holding the rail- half a check can do a few up and check for down unless I am really tired.
Be able to walk a mile- check! Did it easily when I had to get my car out of the shop. Surprised me that I was able to do it( glad my neighbors weren't home to give me a ride)
Go on a mission trip to Africa - not yet but I think I am going to go google that right now! Maybe this summer.
I am working full time nights, able to wear skinny jeans comfortably, buy stuff at a thrift store easily, and swim for over an hour and then do physical therapy in the alpine pool for another ten min. I have a tiny waist and can feel the bones in my shoulders and hips. In fact when I sit on the potty it hurts a bit cuz my poor butt has lost a lot of it insulation.
I tolerate most food but small portions are key. Half a sandwich, 1/4 -1/2 of a restaurant portion entree, and stay away from loads of sugars (under 9 grams at any one time) which means I don't deny myself a special treat but I only have a tiny piece or one small candy. The holidays meant a load of cooking but for me at least not a load of eating. Side benefit saving money on food big time.
All in all this journey has been what I had envisioned and I see my end goals coming up fast.
Under 200 lbs and being ABLE!

It's been nine months since surgery

I have been through a lot of trial and tribulation. I have reduced by 147 lbs, my atrial fib has required me to be on disability since January 1,2013, and I have a new grandson.
I am wearing size 3-4 x down from 7x. My weight is the lowest it has been in over 30 years WOW! I am trying to break the 300 barrier current weight is 300.5 been kinda lingering there for a few weeks so I am trying to not focus on it. My approach to my life is to continue with the small meals protein first, then veggies, then carbs plus fruit daily. I am still not experiencing hunger but I crave things now and then. I keep my sugar intake under 9 grams to avoid "dumping syndrome" which I have experienced only nice and it was not fun at all. I don't deny myself things just keep to the rules eat slow don't drink within 30 min of eating before or after and avoid sweets etc. I eat low carb which has always fit me best. I have been doing physical therapy in the water for 6 months and its really working. I can finally walk more then 1 block without the severe burning pain that crippled me. The knees and back aren't great but way more ability and comfort.
I went to the beach with my son daughter in law and 2 grandsons this month and the contrast to last year was a revelation. I was able to chase the grandson, do things for myself, walk from ocean to parking lot without a cane, pain, or rest stops every ten steps. It was to cold to get in the water so I couldn't compare the difficulties I had last year but I hope to get there later in the summer.
I swim and do my aqua therapy three times a week. I joined the gym up the street and use the pool there to do laps and therapy on my own, plus the aqua boot camp once a week.
I bought some jeans and tops from a great website " simply be" they come from England and man they are comfortable made with nice materials. I have purchased some jeans from a thrift store that are a few sizes to small now but they were such a great deal one dollar each that I can use them to see the change in my body. I look like a deflating rubber person but I can live with it til I reach goal. I am thinking under 200 hopefully 175 or less by next summer. I am still thinking of international traveling in a few years.
As to my heart issues I am hoping to have the ablation surgery this summer and get my ass back to work. Drama with the long term disability payments is my pressing concern right now. Short term disability ends July 7 and they denied me long term with faulty dates I will be fighting it in the next couple days.
That's it for now will try to update more often.

I am never hungry

So I never feel hungry. I have been on liquids for 3 weeks 2 pre op 1 post. I got behind on my water the last few days so today I made myself drink a liter of water by sipping 5 times every time a commercial came n tv. Urine is not as dark and I feel a bit better. Also I got my broth from a progreso soup minus the veggies and meat it was so much better then the crappy Swanson broths I have been eating. I made a unjury shake earlier with chocolate and strawberry flavor drank half and need to get the other half in tonight.
I really want to move onto mushy but I am supposed to wait til Tuesday. I am healing well I think although I occasionally get a deep twinge on my left side. The baby was crying hysterically and I Had to pick him up. that really hurt my left side. He is way over 10 lbs. took a pain pill and feel ok now.
I have no way to weigh myself here at home but I feel smaller.

Home post op

Hi everyone I am home. Passing gas up and down so that's good. I get up and do 5 laps around the apartment. Taking my pain meds. Belly is quite sore, but I still have my q pump so the burn is not to bad. The SI joint thing went away what a relief that added so much pain to my experience completely unrelated to my surgery lol. My doc gave me tordol an NSAID . I questioned him but he reassured me a short course would be ok and I jumped at it. I think it worked hope it hold that SI joint.
Buttttttttttttttttt
I went into atrial fib last nite so walking is a bit more tiring and I think it makes me pee very frequently cuz it runs more fluid through the kidneys and a faster rate then normal so I have been up every two hours to the br all night ick!
I have to take my Bp medicine crushed and it tastes gross but you got to do what you got to do.

Post op

I had surgery at 815 this morning , it lasted almost three hours. When I woke  up I had major pain but no severe nausea. They medicated me til my pain was about a 6 and transferred me to my room. The wonderful nurses did a thorough exam which entailed a bit more movement then was comfortable. Their attitude was the best medicine encouraging, caring, and skilled: awesome! I used my pcs button and got my pain to 2/10, rested, and most important of all BURPED. Gas release is crucial after laparoscopic procedures. I got up and walked before 4 pm it wasn't to bad at all and I knew I had to do it, then I sat up in a chair for30 min. Took a nap and feel pretty damn good all in all.

A few details: my dr saying in the or before I went out " can we get a warm blankie, where are the warm blankies" the ice packs to my low back, my wonderful supportive son by my side before and after, and mouth swabs!

Letter to myself night before surgery

Dear Rachael,
   No matter how hard it gets remember why you are doing this.
To be able
To get healthy
To travel
To be there for your grandkids
To be there for your kids

Yes it will be hard but you can do it. You tried for over 50 years to lose the wt yourself and this is your chance to really get it done. Use the tool to change your habits. Focus on goals, exercising , and eating to live. It will not be easy but you have survived this long and faced many obstacles and emerged victorious. Your family loves you and wants you to succeed. They want a mom, sister, grandmother that can be with them a long time and go places with them. You can be that person.

Drama drama drama

I am a drama queen
Hopefully it's like a play and I am getting all the complications done in rehearsal instead of opening night.
After my IVC filter I developed a raging pain in the top of my thigh and my right butt cheek. It actually started before they did the filter on the table. I called the doc from CVIR he said it could not be from the filter. I called my chiropractor and when I got there my hip Was completely out my right foot was literally 2 inches shorter. He put ice on it for a few  then adjusted me but when i got home I could not get Comfortable unless I laid on my stomach ( haven't done that since I was 8). Been putting ice packs on it all day trying to rest fair condition right now. Also my damn drs office called me Friday to tell me I needed to drive all the way to their office (45 min in good traffic) to be weighed Monday. I was like I am working 9-5 monday I just weighed myself thursday at the pcps and I was reduced to 428 net reduction 20 lbs since I started low carb and optifast. They finally agreed to let me weigh at my pcps office Monday and call them.
The wt loss will be no problem as I can't eat at all today, I have 3/4ths of a protein shake which was made with 1. Optifast shake 1 1/2 scoop unjury protein powder plus ice.

Just as I feared

(this paragraph was posted a month ago)

Then there is my MRSA which is meth resistant staph aureous. This infection used to be named a nosocomial or hospital acquired infection but they changed it to MRSA and now it seems to be treated like leprosy. You are labelled for life and isolated whenever you are in the hospital. Which means i get a private room which works for me but it irritates me that I am treated like a leper and the hospital the freaking source of the microorganism is absolved of all blame or responsibility.

(wrote this today)

I got bad news yesterday. My nasal swab was positive for mrsa. MRSA is a nosocomial infection which means its hospital acquired and the organism is resistant to treatment. As a nurse for almost thirty years I guess it's inevitable to be colonized but it's devastating to be told your surgery may be delayed because they have to do you last so they can decontaminate, you will be unable to be on the bariatric floor but will be placed on a floor on isolation, and have to get an infectious disease clearance.

I did not take the news well I got very upset on the phone asking why i can not be on the bariatric floor that i have heard such good things about? Isolation is isolation. I will have a private room they are all private on the bariatric floor. she started off with you may have to be in ICU I could understand if they wanted to watch me closely but to be put on a medical floor its odd. I just do not get it.

So I made an appointment with a doc for Monday and I am starting some antibiotics that have from my last infection, I am going to bath in hibicleanse everyday and may do a nasal lavage with it . I feel desperate!

Less then 2 weeks to go

Today I went to bluepoint for my dietician and doctor appointment. I have had my issues with some people at the office and today was no different. I think they just plain do not like me. Not everyone but at least two are cold curt and borderline insulting. I am an advocate for my own health care (what nurse isnt) and I ask questions. i do not know if this can be resolved but I am nOot taking it sitting down. When they ask me how it is going I say fine except the way certain people treat me. If I get the chance I will write them a  evaluation that is truthful. I do not think I am unreasonable but maybe i am. either way BE NICE it wont kill you and it goes a long way when dealing with people having a major life changing surgery sheeesh.
Ok so I am excited and nervous but not to bad yet. I am in day three of my two week optifast (adjust by me of course) diet. I had reduced 12 lbs per my PCP's scale then the bluepoint scale said i gained back 5 lbs. At that time i was doing less then 2000 calories a day low carb no cheating. I was like F this and had a candy bar. What is the point of being good and still gain. Not a good attitude I know. I admit the candy did not taste as good as I thought it would and I got back on track pretty quickly. my FINAL meal pre op was sunday night. I went out with the family to my old favorite italian restraunt and had pasta spinach soup and lovely italian bread and desert but i forgot about the brownies i had at home and didnt have one. I made my son take them the next day once I started my optifast diet. I was proud of myself for not eating those!
Today my wt at bluepoint was back to the 12 lbs reduced but the scale fluctuated to a 2 lb gain (I guess I was not being still) I about freaked out. The girl weighing me was a bit unfriendly but I think she was feeling unwell (cough or cold).
Then there is the MRSA issue. I have been concerned that I will have an active site near my surgery date and maybe get a systemic infection even though the worst one I had (left leg) that required 5 days hospitalization never cultured positive in my blood. I mentioned it to my doctor he was not concerned since I have nothing active right now. The nurse at the hospital said I must have a swab of nose and throat prior to my surgery. So I am working on that now.

Bucket list

I have many desires but I want a concise list to focus on in the coming months to rewire my brain and change my habits.

• Walk up and down steps " hands free"
• Go to Africa on a mission trip.- this one includes the fitting in an airplane seat and being able to walk at least 1 mile!
• Meet a man I can attract and be attracted to.
• LIVE LARGE - philosophically not physically

I think that's enough to focus on. I want to keep these four things in my mind when the going gets rough. Might even laminate the list.

found an interesting blog

I found this blog with lots of great info recipes and inspiration
she has a giveaway here is the link
Eggface Back to Bariatric Basics Giveaway
I blog on a few bariatric sites also so i will post this entry there to. More people see it there lol
this is what I am calling my lost weekend
I am having my last meals before I get back in my low carb lifestyle for LIFE
I start my pre op optifast diet for 2 weeks pre op on 9/10 I am altering it a bit for a few reasons
one I bought my optifast on eBay and 1 deal fell through
two I think its a bit much as some people do not have to do it at all
three I need it more then others due to my bmi and lack of real wt reduction pre op (I went crazy at first after I made my decision and gained wt)
four I think the carb count on the optifast is to high according to my docs instruction i should be eating 120 carbs a day thats a lot and I am diabetic it makes me uncomfortable
fifth as my psyc eval said I am a narcissist and I don't think things apply to me. My cues to look out for are YES BUT that certainly applies to this situation. here is my adjustment

Optifast Schedule
Day/date-September	shakes		soups	bars	Total meals
	optifast	unjury
Monday/10	2		2	2	6
Tuesday/11	1	1	2	2	6*
Wednesday/12	1	1	2	2	6*
Thursday/13	2		2	2	6
Friday/14	1	1	2	2	6*
Saturday/15	Coffee w/unjury	1	Low carb dinner
Sunday/16	Coffee w/unjury	1	Low carb dinner
Monday/17	2	1	1	1	5*
Tuesday/18	2	1	1	1	5*
Wednesday/19	2	1	1	1	5*
Thursday/20	2	1	1	1	5*
Friday/21	2	1	1	1	5*
Saturday/22	2	1	1	1	5*
Sunday/23	2	1	1	1	5*
Monday/24	Clear liquid diet NPO after midnight
Day of surgery

* = substituting 1 unjury shake for optifast

I cried today not sure why

So I was at work Wednesday the 29th, had a bitch at a Drs office kinda yell at me, and next thing I know I am crying. Back in my younger years as a new nurse I would cry whenever I had a confrontation. I hated that so much I trained myself not to cry. I haven't done that in many years so this was a shock. I think I am just in a fragile state. I have gotten alot done for my WLS here is my checklist

Pre op testing checklist

☒     Cardiac clearance redo

❏     Incentive spirometer “bag” from Kathy

❏     IVC filter placement scheduled IAH 9/21 w/CVIR

☒     Labs

☒     Chest xray

☒     Ekg

☒     Sleep study

☒     GI consult: colonoscopy& EGD

☒     Medical clearance

☒     Psychiatric consult

☒     Education program

❏     Nutrition and surgery pre op post op class@IFOH 9/20

☒     Behavior modification/compliance

☒     Nutrition counseling

❏     1:1 Coaching with RN-IFOH bariatric education

❏     Doctor and Dietician appointment scheduled 9/12

I got some reassurance from my cardiologist. I had an appointment friday morning and I went into Atrial fib the afternoon before (right after my 2 hour nutrition class at my baritric drs office) I was still in FIB when I went to the appointment. I have been very worried that my fib state would postpone my WLS. In discussing it with him we worked through many aspects of my condition. The new medicine has changed the episodes from completely debilitating:  I would be dizzy, short of breath with any exertion, and have a raging headache to functional: I do not have the headache, shortness of breath, or dizziness. I just can feel a little fluttery in the chest and I have limited energy. Thus I am able to go to work driving myself where as before I was laid up in bed. The Doc says the main thing is to maintain my anticoagulation and control the rate by doubling one of my meds while I am in FIB. I also will need to be off my anticoagulant prior to my IVC placement and pre op WLS. We will bridge that time with lovenox (a shot that anti coagulates you). So now I have a plan.

Unfortunately it is now saturday and I am still in FIB. YUCK! Just wish I would convert already.

In the hospital finally converted and

My cardiologist stopped my sotolol yesterday and admitted me to the hospital today. I converted to sinus rhythm at 5 pm. So I feel much better. Hope this new medicine stabilizes my heart for surgery. I am ready to take this step and make a new me for the rest of my life. I want to be active and vibrant.

Ok that was Friday the 17th it is now the 23rd I got out of the hospital Monday and I went right to work. Started working out yesterday with my resistance bands felt good about that and then went to my first support group meeting. Got home had an unjury shake for dinner and then boom went into fib. It is different slower no head ache but still way wack. So I went to work feel ok can't walk far but I am trying to ignore it til it goes away. Oh and my damn tire has a slow leak so I had to put air in it before work too.
Yesterday I took a whole list of questions and wrote em up and called my cardiologist and bypass docs office . Got some answers still a lot to figure out. Here they are:

Ok so I am a nurse(almost 30 years now) I am most likely a PIA(pain in the a$$) to all my doctors because I "guide" my care and treatment, ask a lot of questions, and question their answers with a lot of data and research. The list below is the q&a for my RNY surgery 9/25/12. bluepoint is my gastric bypass doctors group, I have a cardiologist and a PCP or primary care physician, and a cardic surgeon to place my IVC filter.

Doctor questions

Bluepoint doctor questions
Q: Pain control post op for arthritis Meds that can be liquid or crushed?
***no NSAID's****
A:
Q:Is there a bowel prep diet pre op
A: no
Q: Expected length of stay in hospital
A: 2 days
Cardiology and PCP questions:
Q: What are my needed meds post op?
Tikosyn per cardiologist- can it be opened and added to liquid to take?
Kdur – will be on k added fluids in hospital and monitored
Magnesium
? Actos glipizide will be off these after surgery and on a sliding scale insulin. Recommended sugar control pre op suggested sliding scale insulin now (ask my pcp to write for the insulin)
Q: Lovenox? Since I need to be off 5 days pre IVC placement and 4 days pre RNY surgery are we concerned about stroke risk? I am! Also optifast will it affect my Afib or electrolyte balance ? Bluepoint wants cardiologist to adjust my cardiac meds on optifast if needed.
A

IVC filter DOCTOR q's (cardiac surgeon)
Q: Stop Coumadin prior to insertion when?
A: 5 days prior
Q:When and where procedure done A: Fairfax or fairoaks
Q:Anesthesia used propofol?
A:General
Q: IS MAC/PROPOFOL an option
A:
Q: Do they (IVC placement doctor) need clearance from cardiology and PCP prior to IVC placement A:no

What a day

I am still in AFib feel like my head will explode and I am dizzy and weak. Can I cry now? When will this stop? I have a cardiology appointment tomorrow morning. Will be discussing changing my meds this weekend which will entail being hospitalized :( this situation has made my desire to have WLS even more imperative. I want to have the ablation procedure to cure the AFib. They will not perform t on a morbidly obeses patient. So I must lose the weight first. I sure as hell hope my heart behaves for surgery! 

More a fib sighhhh and thoughts about time off work

I am wondering about how much time off i will need to take post op. I was hoping to get back to work in 2 weeks because I dont have alot of pto. I have to use one week of pto paid time off( they lump vacation and sick time together) then I can use short term disability , which is 2/3 of my pay. I was really hoping to get back to work in 2 weeks but I think now I should plan for more like 3-6 weeks. I first didn't think about std just thought I would use pto but I don't  even have enough. I live with my son and daughter in law so we share expenses and I will have help both physically and financially.  I am hoping 66% of my pay will be enough for a month or so. I can supplement with my pto but I just don't have much and as I am writing this I am home sick because my darn heart is acting up (atrial fib) I have had it since 2004 but has historically been infrequent til 9 days ago. I have now had 3 episodes. 2 lasted 24 hr each still in this one Been over 12 hours. I might need my meds changed which requires hospitalization and cardiac monitoring sighhhh . I had planned to visit my 19 y/o daughter this w/e and have reserved a room at a hotel. Now I might have to be in the hospital sheesh. Can I get a break here

Atrial fib wtf plus mrsa

Ok since 2004 I have had intermittent bouts with atrial fib. My heart is rapid irregular and weak.  It makes my head hurt and I can't exert myself at all. I used to go to the ER and they would try medication , it never worked, then they would admit me, monitor me and schedule a cardio version. I would always convert to normal sinus rhythm before the cardioversion. I got sick of going to the ER so I now live in a anticoagulated state on Coumadin and have short acting antiarrythmic medication that I take every four hours until I convert. There is a surgical option but my wt precludes the surgery.
 In light of my scheduled wls I am thinking about this on two levels
one that I will have an episode before during or after surgery and
two that achieving wt loss will allow me to have  the surgery to put a stop to theses debilitating episodes.
 Unfortunately in the past week I have had the first episode in over a year lasting over 24 hours and then another episode also lasting 24 hours. So my concern about it interfering with my wls is very real. Also I had to use 12 hours of paid time off on friday and I need every hour for my time off for surgery.

Then there is my MRSA which is meth resistant staph aureous. This infection used to be named a nosocomial or hospital acquired infection but they changed it to MRSA and now it seems to be treated like leprosy. You are labelled for life and isolated whenever you are in the hospital. Which means i get a private room which works for me but it irritates me that I am treated like a leper and the hospital the freaking source of the microorganism is absolved of all blame or responsibility.

I feel like Michael phelps

I am hopefully experiencing the LAST of a number of things:

The last time I come to the beach on vacation and have fear of being able to get out of the ocean

The last time I slow the family down 

The last time I am unable to help chase the baby down especially because we will soon have two babies in  the house :) 

Painful yet inspiring thoughts

I live in Washington DC, city living is not designed for obese people. Parking is a bear! I hate it but when I get a good spot it does make my day lol. That's another thing I will enjoy: not worrying if I have to park far because the walking won't be painful! A painful situation happened to me last year. I am a nurse and I have worked in labor and delivery for 18 years, it is my calling. last year I moved back here from TN and tried to do a travel assignment but was not mobile enough and they fired me. It was horribly painful physically trying to keep up and emotionally when I failed. I got a Full time night shift job at the hospital I had worked in before I moved to TN in 2007. Nights was hard and my ability to be fast enough came up after 6 months during a time I had become infected with MRSA. I was put on leave, paid fortunately, due to the infection. then I got THE call from my boss and human resources questioning my physical ability to perform my job. They kept me on paid leave while they decided what to do with me eventually sending me to a desk job 9-5 in PST pre surgical testing. There I call patients before surgery to obtain a history and advise them on medications and directions to the unit. I really like the hours and the people are very nice. But I feel like a failure. In the end it is the best thing for me right now. I really answer to no one as I am still on L&d's Payroll so I can go to doc appts and take vacation whenever I need. Also It's really nice to be on days. I hated nights especially where I live. Because I was going with major traffic both directions which sucked after working a 12 hour night shift. So all in all this Job is helping me to attain my goal to have the RNY surgery and achieve my wt loss. Things do work out the way they are supposed to. That's my story and I am sticking to it lol!
PS It occurs to me that I need to lose not only a full person (in body wt) but indeed to lose A FAT person. Which philosophically speaking is just what I need to do LOSE a FAT person physically and mentally.