Well I have been thinking a lot lately. My life crashed again due to drinking, insomnia, sleep apnea, pain meds, and lack of insight. I am currently on disability from work due to the above plus I accidentally took my nighttime medication one morning and was impaired at work since it included Benadryl tramadol and Blood pressure meds all three make me very sleepy not a good way to start your day. while off work I got the flu for the first time in 15 years and it was horrible! Fever Aches chest congestion and laryngitis......for weeks. Meds for wheezing blocked my heart med causing uncontrollable atrial fib. I was visiting my Aunt in NJ and needed help to get home(I had taken the bus but was to sick to take it home). Because I felt so bad I hated to ask for help. Well to be honest I expect my family to want to help me and get my feelings hurt if they are reluctant to interrupt their lives for me. I vented in a notebook and will transcribe the entry not my best moment just sayin.
"Who is it ok for me to ask for help WHO?????
justin- NO
can't/won't/busy w/ own stuff! Depressed, can not handle weakness in ME. Needs me strong and independent plus he did his part taking me to meetings when I needed him to.
Brian and Juvy- busy with kids and their stuff. Molly- FAR, I don't want to burden her or any of my kids. In my hearts I WANT them to help me but they can't or won't so that's that
SO WHO DO I HAVE NO ONE, I am needy weak I don't deserve anything I AM SAD AND ANGRY SAD SAD SAD. My world seems small and desolate. I feel I have no person(peer/lover etc) that wants or needs me. I am in some way unattractive to to both females(friends) and males (friends or love interests). There is nothing about me that attracts a man or a friend. I will either DIE or be in a home.... The crabby old bitch in the corner.
I am not drinking, I don't even feel like it or taking the pain killers or muscle relaxers or tranquillizers.
I have no idea why I have no friends or why that stupid man dumped me with such disrespect. The years I spent so morbidly obese were my cushion and disguise and now what's the reason? I see fat ugly people with boyfriends and husbands....OH FUCK IT ALL!"
Well re typinging that is depressing wow drama queen much? Well whiny rant over let me move the F on sheesh.
I have been diligently working to get off disability even with many stumbling blocks like the medical system I work and utilize for my healthcare was hacked so all technology was down for a week. This impacted my ability to get my disability pay. I saw my cardiologist and endocrinologist and a counselor. Good news with heart and endo but counselor was having personal issues so I have to find another one. I have finally been able to make an internal medicine and pain doc appointment this week so I can get get cleared for work. Oh I forgot I had a sleep study and will be needing a new CPAP set up. I do like and tolerate the CPAP it helps so many aspects of my health. I stopped using it after the wt loss because the pressure was blowing up my pouch, but a greatly reduced pressure will solve that. So there is the pain hope and info.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
Again Wow it's been a long time since I have posted. March 2016
These last two years have marked significant changes and events. Starting with my weight I guess. February 2014- 230lbs/ March 222lbs/ May 213/ October 197/ November 192. October 2015 188lbs/ November 179lbs/ December 186lbs/ Feb 2016 201lbs/ March 2016 219lbs TODAY 203lbs. Significant events: the death of my beloved Father September 2014. Developments since that event started a new job at GUH. Began drinking to much, continued taking pain killers and muscle relaxers for my knee and back pain. Had a severe reaction to the amiodarone given to me for my AFib
(pulmonary edema resulting in debilitating shortness of breath). Recovered from that. Settled into my job. Renovated my fathers apt including taking care of his work papers, replacing kitchen flooring and appliances (stove, fridge, and dishwasher), painting, replacing rugs, redo the toilet, refinished and restrung three chairs with Danish cord. I tried a dating site met a Man who pushed hard and fast then disappeared. I really wanted two things sex and a relationship. I got the first and it was great but he treated me poorly in direct contrast to his "profile" intentions. I did not ask for nor demand constant attention but working at getting to know a person requires some regular contact. I felt dumped but in fact I called him and broke it off because of his disrespectful treatment. Things in my family and my job and my habits all came to a head last month and I am making serious changes and personal evaluations. I feel strong and hopeful today and hope to keep up this blog better in future. That's all for now.
(pulmonary edema resulting in debilitating shortness of breath). Recovered from that. Settled into my job. Renovated my fathers apt including taking care of his work papers, replacing kitchen flooring and appliances (stove, fridge, and dishwasher), painting, replacing rugs, redo the toilet, refinished and restrung three chairs with Danish cord. I tried a dating site met a Man who pushed hard and fast then disappeared. I really wanted two things sex and a relationship. I got the first and it was great but he treated me poorly in direct contrast to his "profile" intentions. I did not ask for nor demand constant attention but working at getting to know a person requires some regular contact. I felt dumped but in fact I called him and broke it off because of his disrespectful treatment. Things in my family and my job and my habits all came to a head last month and I am making serious changes and personal evaluations. I feel strong and hopeful today and hope to keep up this blog better in future. That's all for now.
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