Well I have been thinking a lot lately. My life crashed again due to drinking, insomnia, sleep apnea, pain meds, and lack of insight. I am currently on disability from work due to the above plus I accidentally took my nighttime medication one morning and was impaired at work since it included Benadryl tramadol and Blood pressure meds all three make me very sleepy not a good way to start your day. while off work I got the flu for the first time in 15 years and it was horrible! Fever Aches chest congestion and laryngitis......for weeks. Meds for wheezing blocked my heart med causing uncontrollable atrial fib. I was visiting my Aunt in NJ and needed help to get home(I had taken the bus but was to sick to take it home). Because I felt so bad I hated to ask for help. Well to be honest I expect my family to want to help me and get my feelings hurt if they are reluctant to interrupt their lives for me. I vented in a notebook and will transcribe the entry not my best moment just sayin.
"Who is it ok for me to ask for help WHO?????
justin- NO
can't/won't/busy w/ own stuff! Depressed, can not handle weakness in ME. Needs me strong and independent plus he did his part taking me to meetings when I needed him to.
Brian and Juvy- busy with kids and their stuff. Molly- FAR, I don't want to burden her or any of my kids. In my hearts I WANT them to help me but they can't or won't so that's that
SO WHO DO I HAVE NO ONE, I am needy weak I don't deserve anything I AM SAD AND ANGRY SAD SAD SAD. My world seems small and desolate. I feel I have no person(peer/lover etc) that wants or needs me. I am in some way unattractive to to both females(friends) and males (friends or love interests). There is nothing about me that attracts a man or a friend. I will either DIE or be in a home.... The crabby old bitch in the corner.
I am not drinking, I don't even feel like it or taking the pain killers or muscle relaxers or tranquillizers.
I have no idea why I have no friends or why that stupid man dumped me with such disrespect. The years I spent so morbidly obese were my cushion and disguise and now what's the reason? I see fat ugly people with boyfriends and husbands....OH FUCK IT ALL!"
Well re typinging that is depressing wow drama queen much? Well whiny rant over let me move the F on sheesh.
I have been diligently working to get off disability even with many stumbling blocks like the medical system I work and utilize for my healthcare was hacked so all technology was down for a week. This impacted my ability to get my disability pay. I saw my cardiologist and endocrinologist and a counselor. Good news with heart and endo but counselor was having personal issues so I have to find another one. I have finally been able to make an internal medicine and pain doc appointment this week so I can get get cleared for work. Oh I forgot I had a sleep study and will be needing a new CPAP set up. I do like and tolerate the CPAP it helps so many aspects of my health. I stopped using it after the wt loss because the pressure was blowing up my pouch, but a greatly reduced pressure will solve that. So there is the pain hope and info.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
Again Wow it's been a long time since I have posted. March 2016
These last two years have marked significant changes and events. Starting with my weight I guess. February 2014- 230lbs/ March 222lbs/ May 213/ October 197/ November 192. October 2015 188lbs/ November 179lbs/ December 186lbs/ Feb 2016 201lbs/ March 2016 219lbs TODAY 203lbs. Significant events: the death of my beloved Father September 2014. Developments since that event started a new job at GUH. Began drinking to much, continued taking pain killers and muscle relaxers for my knee and back pain. Had a severe reaction to the amiodarone given to me for my AFib
(pulmonary edema resulting in debilitating shortness of breath). Recovered from that. Settled into my job. Renovated my fathers apt including taking care of his work papers, replacing kitchen flooring and appliances (stove, fridge, and dishwasher), painting, replacing rugs, redo the toilet, refinished and restrung three chairs with Danish cord. I tried a dating site met a Man who pushed hard and fast then disappeared. I really wanted two things sex and a relationship. I got the first and it was great but he treated me poorly in direct contrast to his "profile" intentions. I did not ask for nor demand constant attention but working at getting to know a person requires some regular contact. I felt dumped but in fact I called him and broke it off because of his disrespectful treatment. Things in my family and my job and my habits all came to a head last month and I am making serious changes and personal evaluations. I feel strong and hopeful today and hope to keep up this blog better in future. That's all for now.
(pulmonary edema resulting in debilitating shortness of breath). Recovered from that. Settled into my job. Renovated my fathers apt including taking care of his work papers, replacing kitchen flooring and appliances (stove, fridge, and dishwasher), painting, replacing rugs, redo the toilet, refinished and restrung three chairs with Danish cord. I tried a dating site met a Man who pushed hard and fast then disappeared. I really wanted two things sex and a relationship. I got the first and it was great but he treated me poorly in direct contrast to his "profile" intentions. I did not ask for nor demand constant attention but working at getting to know a person requires some regular contact. I felt dumped but in fact I called him and broke it off because of his disrespectful treatment. Things in my family and my job and my habits all came to a head last month and I am making serious changes and personal evaluations. I feel strong and hopeful today and hope to keep up this blog better in future. That's all for now.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Wow it's been awhile update 1yr 4 months post op
I have not been here in quite a while.
My start wt 448
Surgery wt 419
1 st year anniversary wt 279
Current wt 242
226lbs gone fitting in 1x on top 2x on the bottom (from7-8xl)
My goals pre op were to be able to chase my grandson- check
Walk up stairs without holding the rail- half a check can do a few up and check for down unless I am really tired.
Be able to walk a mile- check! Did it easily when I had to get my car out of the shop. Surprised me that I was able to do it( glad my neighbors weren't home to give me a ride)
Go on a mission trip to Africa - not yet but I think I am going to go google that right now! Maybe this summer.
I am working full time nights, able to wear skinny jeans comfortably, buy stuff at a thrift store easily, and swim for over an hour and then do physical therapy in the alpine pool for another ten min. I have a tiny waist and can feel the bones in my shoulders and hips. In fact when I sit on the potty it hurts a bit cuz my poor butt has lost a lot of it insulation.
I tolerate most food but small portions are key. Half a sandwich, 1/4 -1/2 of a restaurant portion entree, and stay away from loads of sugars (under 9 grams at any one time) which means I don't deny myself a special treat but I only have a tiny piece or one small candy. The holidays meant a load of cooking but for me at least not a load of eating. Side benefit saving money on food big time.
All in all this journey has been what I had envisioned and I see my end goals coming up fast.
Under 200 lbs and being ABLE!
My start wt 448
Surgery wt 419
1 st year anniversary wt 279
Current wt 242
226lbs gone fitting in 1x on top 2x on the bottom (from7-8xl)
My goals pre op were to be able to chase my grandson- check
Walk up stairs without holding the rail- half a check can do a few up and check for down unless I am really tired.
Be able to walk a mile- check! Did it easily when I had to get my car out of the shop. Surprised me that I was able to do it( glad my neighbors weren't home to give me a ride)
Go on a mission trip to Africa - not yet but I think I am going to go google that right now! Maybe this summer.
I am working full time nights, able to wear skinny jeans comfortably, buy stuff at a thrift store easily, and swim for over an hour and then do physical therapy in the alpine pool for another ten min. I have a tiny waist and can feel the bones in my shoulders and hips. In fact when I sit on the potty it hurts a bit cuz my poor butt has lost a lot of it insulation.
I tolerate most food but small portions are key. Half a sandwich, 1/4 -1/2 of a restaurant portion entree, and stay away from loads of sugars (under 9 grams at any one time) which means I don't deny myself a special treat but I only have a tiny piece or one small candy. The holidays meant a load of cooking but for me at least not a load of eating. Side benefit saving money on food big time.
All in all this journey has been what I had envisioned and I see my end goals coming up fast.
Under 200 lbs and being ABLE!
Monday, June 24, 2013
It's been nine months since surgery
I have been through a lot of trial and tribulation. I have reduced by 147 lbs, my atrial fib has required me to be on disability since January 1,2013, and I have a new grandson.
I am wearing size 3-4 x down from 7x. My weight is the lowest it has been in over 30 years WOW! I am trying to break the 300 barrier current weight is 300.5 been kinda lingering there for a few weeks so I am trying to not focus on it. My approach to my life is to continue with the small meals protein first, then veggies, then carbs plus fruit daily. I am still not experiencing hunger but I crave things now and then. I keep my sugar intake under 9 grams to avoid "dumping syndrome" which I have experienced only nice and it was not fun at all. I don't deny myself things just keep to the rules eat slow don't drink within 30 min of eating before or after and avoid sweets etc. I eat low carb which has always fit me best. I have been doing physical therapy in the water for 6 months and its really working. I can finally walk more then 1 block without the severe burning pain that crippled me. The knees and back aren't great but way more ability and comfort.
I went to the beach with my son daughter in law and 2 grandsons this month and the contrast to last year was a revelation. I was able to chase the grandson, do things for myself, walk from ocean to parking lot without a cane, pain, or rest stops every ten steps. It was to cold to get in the water so I couldn't compare the difficulties I had last year but I hope to get there later in the summer.
I swim and do my aqua therapy three times a week. I joined the gym up the street and use the pool there to do laps and therapy on my own, plus the aqua boot camp once a week.
I bought some jeans and tops from a great website " simply be" they come from England and man they are comfortable made with nice materials. I have purchased some jeans from a thrift store that are a few sizes to small now but they were such a great deal one dollar each that I can use them to see the change in my body. I look like a deflating rubber person but I can live with it til I reach goal. I am thinking under 200 hopefully 175 or less by next summer. I am still thinking of international traveling in a few years.
As to my heart issues I am hoping to have the ablation surgery this summer and get my ass back to work. Drama with the long term disability payments is my pressing concern right now. Short term disability ends July 7 and they denied me long term with faulty dates I will be fighting it in the next couple days.
That's it for now will try to update more often.
I am wearing size 3-4 x down from 7x. My weight is the lowest it has been in over 30 years WOW! I am trying to break the 300 barrier current weight is 300.5 been kinda lingering there for a few weeks so I am trying to not focus on it. My approach to my life is to continue with the small meals protein first, then veggies, then carbs plus fruit daily. I am still not experiencing hunger but I crave things now and then. I keep my sugar intake under 9 grams to avoid "dumping syndrome" which I have experienced only nice and it was not fun at all. I don't deny myself things just keep to the rules eat slow don't drink within 30 min of eating before or after and avoid sweets etc. I eat low carb which has always fit me best. I have been doing physical therapy in the water for 6 months and its really working. I can finally walk more then 1 block without the severe burning pain that crippled me. The knees and back aren't great but way more ability and comfort.
I went to the beach with my son daughter in law and 2 grandsons this month and the contrast to last year was a revelation. I was able to chase the grandson, do things for myself, walk from ocean to parking lot without a cane, pain, or rest stops every ten steps. It was to cold to get in the water so I couldn't compare the difficulties I had last year but I hope to get there later in the summer.
I swim and do my aqua therapy three times a week. I joined the gym up the street and use the pool there to do laps and therapy on my own, plus the aqua boot camp once a week.
I bought some jeans and tops from a great website " simply be" they come from England and man they are comfortable made with nice materials. I have purchased some jeans from a thrift store that are a few sizes to small now but they were such a great deal one dollar each that I can use them to see the change in my body. I look like a deflating rubber person but I can live with it til I reach goal. I am thinking under 200 hopefully 175 or less by next summer. I am still thinking of international traveling in a few years.
As to my heart issues I am hoping to have the ablation surgery this summer and get my ass back to work. Drama with the long term disability payments is my pressing concern right now. Short term disability ends July 7 and they denied me long term with faulty dates I will be fighting it in the next couple days.
That's it for now will try to update more often.
Friday, October 5, 2012
I am never hungry
So I never feel hungry. I have been on liquids for 3 weeks 2 pre op 1 post. I got behind on my water the last few days so today I made myself drink a liter of water by sipping 5 times every time a commercial came n tv. Urine is not as dark and I feel a bit better. Also I got my broth from a progreso soup minus the veggies and meat it was so much better then the crappy Swanson broths I have been eating. I made a unjury shake earlier with chocolate and strawberry flavor drank half and need to get the other half in tonight.
I really want to move onto mushy but I am supposed to wait til Tuesday. I am healing well I think although I occasionally get a deep twinge on my left side. The baby was crying hysterically and I Had to pick him up. that really hurt my left side. He is way over 10 lbs. took a pain pill and feel ok now.
I have no way to weigh myself here at home but I feel smaller.
I really want to move onto mushy but I am supposed to wait til Tuesday. I am healing well I think although I occasionally get a deep twinge on my left side. The baby was crying hysterically and I Had to pick him up. that really hurt my left side. He is way over 10 lbs. took a pain pill and feel ok now.
I have no way to weigh myself here at home but I feel smaller.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Home post op
Hi everyone I am home. Passing gas up and down so that's good. I get up and do 5 laps around the apartment. Taking my pain meds. Belly is quite sore, but I still have my q pump so the burn is not to bad. The SI joint thing went away what a relief that added so much pain to my experience completely unrelated to my surgery lol. My doc gave me tordol an NSAID . I questioned him but he reassured me a short course would be ok and I jumped at it. I think it worked hope it hold that SI joint.
Buttttttttttttttttt
I went into atrial fib last nite so walking is a bit more tiring and I think it makes me pee very frequently cuz it runs more fluid through the kidneys and a faster rate then normal so I have been up every two hours to the br all night ick!
I have to take my Bp medicine crushed and it tastes gross but you got to do what you got to do.
Buttttttttttttttttt
I went into atrial fib last nite so walking is a bit more tiring and I think it makes me pee very frequently cuz it runs more fluid through the kidneys and a faster rate then normal so I have been up every two hours to the br all night ick!
I have to take my Bp medicine crushed and it tastes gross but you got to do what you got to do.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Post op
I had surgery at 815 this morning , it lasted almost three hours. When I woke up I had major pain but no severe nausea. They medicated me til my pain was about a 6 and transferred me to my room. The wonderful nurses did a thorough exam which entailed a bit more movement then was comfortable. Their attitude was the best medicine encouraging, caring, and skilled: awesome! I used my pcs button and got my pain to 2/10, rested, and most important of all BURPED. Gas release is crucial after laparoscopic procedures. I got up and walked before 4 pm it wasn't to bad at all and I knew I had to do it, then I sat up in a chair for30 min. Took a nap and feel pretty damn good all in all.
A few details: my dr saying in the or before I went out " can we get a warm blankie, where are the warm blankies" the ice packs to my low back, my wonderful supportive son by my side before and after, and mouth swabs!
A few details: my dr saying in the or before I went out " can we get a warm blankie, where are the warm blankies" the ice packs to my low back, my wonderful supportive son by my side before and after, and mouth swabs!
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